moving c2c over there and joining forces with scream project. so its going to be a ALL THINGS HORROR blog with some personal site stuff thrown in as well as stuff for visitors. little busy at the moment so theres nothing there yet, but she’s a-comin’. stay tuned! – B

I’m watching a documentary on “real vampires”. I believe you. Youre a vampire. You drink blood and your suck energy, I can deal with that, what I can’t dea with is the whole fake “persona”. You don’t have to be so creepy. Vampires don’t have to be douchebags. This dude is a step away from wearing ed hardy and braiding his facial hair.

anyway. changed up the layout some. think its cute. had KMFDM, switched it to Amy in order to celebrate the fact they’re working on a new album.

going to go read now, no more scary “vampire” guy.

THESE SYMPTOMS APPEAR IF I AM GETTING SICK AGAIN

1. Sleeping more often
2. Sleeping less often or not as well due to nightmares. Awake all hours
3. Irritable, anxious, irrational, unable to concentrate
4. mild Paranoia, feeling watched
5. Appear to be fidgety, or paying attention to something other than you when you speak
6. Notice me concentrating on or watching something that is “not there”
7. I say I feel different or weird or things “look different”
8. I cannot remember mediocre things

THINGS ARE REALLY BAD AND I WILL NOT NOTICE IM ILL WHEN:

1. Im paranoid and am talking about video cameras or being followed by police
2. I mention the house is changing, looks different, or I cannot remember where I am
3. I am audibly talking to people who “aren’t there”
4. you catch me watching things, or afraid of things that aren’t there
5. Lots of nightmares means im awake as much as possible
6. Im injuring myself on purpose

WHAT TO DO IF YOU NOTICE THESE SYMPTOMS:

1. mention it to me, usually I will notice the same thing unless I’m too far gone
2. tell me to call my psychiatrist, and make sure I do
3. tell me to do something to relax, sometimes that will help
4. if its really noticeable, don’t let me drive (if things “look different” I’ll lose my perception and shouldn’t be driving)

WHAT TO DO IF THINGS ARE REALLY BAD

1. call mobile crisis
2. call dr black / laura white immediately
3. take me to the ER

First off, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I told her that I increased my seroquel back up to 300mg at night, and explained why and what was happening. She believes I have akathesia, and that the seroquel masks it because it has an anti-anxiety property to it. The higher the dose, the more it masks the akathesia and allows me to feel less agitated, irritable, anxious and allows me to be calm.

By the way,  Akathisia (inability to sit still) is a term introduced to describe restlessness. It is now used to describe the restlessness observed in patients secondary to neuroleptics, typically manifested by excessive voluntary movement.  The movements are typically stereotypical motor patterns such as pacing, body rocking, or foot tapping.  Occasionally Akathisia can result in repetitive vocalizations.  Some authors now describe these movements as “stereotypies” associated with an abnormal subjective sensation. Occasionally the inner subjective feeling of restlessness is absent.  The term “pseudoakathisia” has been used in this situation.

She told me to keep my seroquel as it is at 300mgs and is going to start decreasing my abilify to see if maybe the abilify is causing the akathesia. If it is the abilify creating the problem, she will decide then to either take me off the abilify and leave me on the seroquel, or, decrease the abilify to a point where its not as noticable yet still psychologically effective and then take me off the seroquel, she may even add an anxiety med to help me out. The goal is that I’m on only ONE antipsychotic, weither its the abilify or the seroquel. we wanted to move to the abilify to see if it helps me lose weight, but even if it does help me lose weight I wont be able to deal with the akathesia. Id rather be akathesia free.

All that being said, my parents are getting home from Cuba today, so I’m headed to the airport shortly to pick them up. Im kind of excited to see them, and not just because they said they were bringing me home some sand. My kittens are anxious to see them as well. The babies know they miss someone and that they feel bad, but they dont understand the actual concept of oh, this person is away anthat is why im sad. Its a neat thing to see, and that is why i own cats- they understand basic emotions.:)

I see my doctor on the 12, however, im going out of my mind. Im constantly irrirtable, restless, impatient, sleepless, I feel constantly rushed and anxious but everything is going so slow around me I can’t even breathe properly. when I do get to sleep, its only in short spurts, no more than an hour at a time. last night I took 300mg of seroquel and managed to sleep from 10pm to 6am and grabbed an hour at about 4pm because i haven’t been sleeping all week.

when im doing things, i have to do a million things at once just to feel like im doing something. hard to explain. im alright typing this because im engaging my hands and my mind at the same time. However, when watching tv I have to be doing something with my hands, today I watched a move and sewed a backpatch on my hoodie. i then went to walmart to buy some yarn so i can teach myself to knit just to keep busy. i have nothing else to do.

usually, when im restless and cant sit still i want to eat, probably because im bored. so i do. ive been eating nothing but junk, however because my band is still too tight i end up vomiting everything i eat. once my parents are home from their vacation in cuba im going to ask to borrow the cost of another de-fill. i can hardly keep anything down, ive been reduced to soup and juice but now i cant seem to keep that down either so i have to get more taken out of my band.

Im going over to my boyfriends tonight once he’s off work (another 1/2 hour or so) and staying the night tomorrow is our 5th year anniversary so were going to spend the day together since hes off work. when i get there i will try to sleep but if i cant at least i have someone else to entertain me for a while. tomorrow i should be occupied enough to not feel too anxious.

i cannot explain how horrible i feel lately due to this medication switch. i was feeling fine for a while, but it wasn’t until i was brought down to 100mg of seroquel that it got really bad. I think the abilify needs to be increased another 5mgs (bring me to 25mgs), but she’s the doctor. however, if  dont get any relief soon im going to say fuck it all, put me back on the seroquel. at least t hen I sleep and im not anxious. I cannot take much more of this feeling.

im calling my doctor tomorrow and seeing if she’s in, she needs to change the medication and quickly. however, if she’s not in, im not sure what im going to do until monday to control this horrible horrible feeling. thats 4 days! normally, that’s nothing, but right now I dont know! I can go 4 days without eating and dealing with this band issue much easier than going 4 days with this restless, anxious, jumpy horrible feeling.

I had physio on my jaw yesterday and now my entire neck and back is sore as hell. Lots of headaches too. Shitty deal. I know they’re all attached but I could deal with the jaw pain, not with the rest of it.

I’m just writing this to burn some time. I’m at my boyfriends, alone, and bored. His room mate will be home around 8, and at least then I have someone to talk to. Until then, I’m BORED AS HELL. I think I’m going to go read. I just bought “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. Good read so far.

Updating the shit out of CRAVEMYHEART shortly. Tons of new stuff I found on my hard drive.
Paintball this weekend.

blog title lyrics: “Piggybank” – KMFD

The wind just switched though, so blowing them doesn’t work as well. They come back in my face instead of heading toward the highway.